The Powerful Secret To A Loving Relationship That You Must Know

There are many factors that go into creating a loving relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time. It's also helpful if you share values ​​about religion, spirituality, politics, the environment, abortion, and personal growth. It helps if you both eat junk food or if you the two eat organic food. This makes it easier if the pair are tidy, the two of you are messy, both of you are on time, or both are late. Physical attraction is also quite important. It’s great if they have common values around money and spending.

Yet a couple can have all of these and still not have a loving relationship if one element is missing. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes will not be enough to make the relationship work.

This essential ingredient is about intention.

At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn about being loving to ourselves and others.

The motivation to get love rather than be loving can create havoc within a relationship.

Let’s look at a typical relationship issue and see what happens regarding the two different intentions. Jason and Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other, and they haven’t made love in a month. The problem started when Samantha stated that she wanted to take an expensive vacation and Jason objected. Samantha got angry, Jason gave in, and they have been distant ever since.

Samantha’s intention was to have control over getting what she wanted. She equates an expensive vacation with love. She used her anger as a way to have control over getting what she wants. Samantha wants control over feeling special to Jason. If Jason does this for her, then he proves his love for her.

Samantha’s intention vs. Jason’s intention in their loving relationship

Jason’s intention is to avoid pain. He gave himself up to have control over Samantha not being angry with him. He hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see him as a good and loving husband.

However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other rather than be loving to themselves and each other, their interaction created emotional distance.

What would this have looked like if their intention had been to learn?

If Samantha's intention had been to learn, she wouldn't have been angry. Instead, he wanted to understand Jason's objections. If Jason’s intention had been to learn, he will not give up. Instead, she wished she could understand why that particular vacation was so important to Samantha. Samantha and Jason will care more about themselves and each other than about winning love or hiding from pain. As they explore together why they feel what they are feeling, they will learn that they need to get to know themselves and others better to come up with a win-win solution.

You value and respect each other’s individuality and boundaries.

Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and Jason losing, they would have come up with something both of them could live with. With some exploration of his financial fears, Jason might have decided that the vacation Samantha wanted would be fine. With understand of Jason’s financial concerns, Samantha might have decided on a less expensive vacation. In either case, both of them would have felt fine about the outcome. 

In a healthy, loving relationship you respect your partner’s boundaries. You give each other the space you need away from the relationship to be alone, to be with friends, and to pursue your own interests.

All healthy relationships have boundaries. In fact, a relationship cannot be healthy if clear boundaries are not in place and respected. Here’s a visual example of how it works: Imagine that you and your partner are facing each other. On the ground between you is a clearly marked line that stretches to the left and right as far as you can see in either direction. This line is like a property line: everything on your side of the line belongs to you; everything on the other side of the line belongs to your partner.

Conclusion on loving relationship

No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are attracted to each other, their love will diminish when their intent is to control rather than learn. It’s amazing how quickly love vanishes when one or both partners have the intent to control. It’s equally amazing how fast it comes back when both partners have the intent to learn.